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Oh-wah-so! Oh-wah-so! Oh-wah-so! Ow-wah-so!
The Rams put a solid spanking on Baton Rogue, refuting the poll picks of seven coaches. John Ballard still looked weak, and drempt of the fertile home field of New Deal. But the fine citizens of Owasso will all be hung-over tomorrow, falling asleep in church, etc.
What can you say about the Bengals? Their fine plan for a power-rushing attack has been completely dissolved by trading. Todd Elsworth looks more like a stick-figure than a running back. Unfortunately, facing the worst (and I do mean worst) defense in the league, the Bengals' passing attack was long on yards and short on points.
And if that wasn't bad enough, the horror that is Jed Wooden continues. He went one-for-four on field goals, bringing his lifetime record as a Bengal to one-for-six. He missed them long, he missed them short, he just missed them. This is the worst trade in APFL history. Coach Chris moved him up (yes. I said "up") to Discipline 40, making him as effective as, oh .. Gilbert Ford used to be.
Arkham returned to respect with a comedy of errors over Haddonfield.
First, there was Zip Robertson. This remarkable man blocked three punts and a field goal in this game. And he returned a fumble 58 yards for a touchdown. If the league was not too busy to give out player-of-the-week awards, Zip would surely get one.
Then there was the rest of the Arkham offense. They had a typical first-quarter explosion, jumping out to a 34-7 lead by the third quarter. Then they fell asleep. Without a pass rush, they let Jimmy Marshall throw and throw and throw, and he was good enough to make Kenny Proctor famous. Kenny caught 3 passes for a 55 yard average and 3 touchdowns. Oops. The Grave Robbers get the win, but manage to lose on every single ofensive category of importance. The game featured 15 fumbles, two interceptions, and 4 blocked kicks. Both teams can play better football. Look for a major fight when they meet for a rematch in Week 9.
Gary Carter led nicely for Kenny, but didn't get any notable touches on offense. Look for Commissioner George to incorporate him more fully in the future.
Rob Holt? Who is Rob Holt? Rob Holt, quite simply, will go down in history as the man who couldn't stop Zip Robertson. Vince Tabron, where are you now?
Albuquerque handed the struggling Cougars their third straight loss. After starting 2-0, Pullman has had nothing but trouble. Playing Albuquerque should have been a nice rest stop for Coach Dave, but instead it turned out to be a passing exhibition that didn't take advantage of Pullman's strong rushing attack.
Darnell Austin is gone, for a number 12 pick and Kwame Cook, Homer Thomas' older brother. Maybe the Cougar running game suffered so much without Darnell that Dave was forced to go with the passing game, I don't know. I do know that a fullback of Darnell's quality can't be taken with a number-twelve pick, and that Kwame Cook is a fantastic athlete.
Albuquerque has become a solid team as they settle in comfortably behind Chris Barnes. Richard Naden had a workmanlike, efficient day, and Barnes carried the load with 26 rushes. It was nice to see Albuquerque passing for touchdowns, but that is not the path they must take to make the playoffs. Chris Barnes must average 12 points per game for Albuquerque to be truly successful.
Long Beach was New Deal's latest punching bag. Mike Penn and Paul Trazie are still the only show for the All Stars. Another week with a porous defense was too much for Coach Jon, but he managed to keep it to two digits.
Darnell Austin had an inauspcious debut in this game, but the rest of the Lions looked as strong as ever. Matt Thomas didn't have an heroic game, and Joel Underwood, also known as Sling Blade, didn't touch the ball. But the New Deal aerial attack was enough to work the All Stars over.
Texas destroyed Duluth. No points. They managed 189 yards of offense for the game, compared to Texas with 577. Ouch. Hint to Szatch: Don't send your playbook to the league on Monday.
Szatch's long vacation continues, and he will return to find his record in ruins. It's a sad season for a very talented team. Jaimey Thomas and John Ballard are considering becoming roomates. Both have All-World ability and bad numbers.
Texas went back to the old days with Robbie Holmes, who went crazy. Five touchdowns is a lot. Texas also turned Don Jackson to an amazing superstar, an incredible steal at the end of the fourth round. His lucky hit on the List O' Ten turned him into one of the elite runners of our league.
Oh the Panthers. Their newly installed running game had the misfortune of meeting perhaps the best defense in the league. While James FriedRice finally found his party, getting 40 carries for 182 yards, the Panthers couldn't find the end zone, and lost a close one.
Virginia Beach could have been a playoff team if they had gone with this style of football earlier. Hopefully they can get some wins down the stretch and perhaps act as a spoiler for other playoff-hopeful teams.
Seoul, meanwhile, is winning while only scoring 10 points. That's remarkable. Sure, their schedule has been soft overall, but with 4 division games against Haddonfield and Arkham, you have to respect what Coach Z is doing in Korea.
Shawn Fong had a nice game, too, which is good to see. We only wish the the combined record of the Eastern Division wasn't 10-5. That's a pretty strong division.
The mid-season increases are trickling in. We rate them here:
Albuquerque DL Darin Hall to Speed 50 Patience, patience, Coach Mike. Hall was already looking at a rookie increase and the List O' Ten, no rush here. The changes in his play will be microscopic, while Richard Naden would have benefited greatly from some hand-eye coordination.
Arkham HB Jamal Smith to Strength 40 This will make the Arkham offense a lot more consistent, as the Man With the Golden Feet can now hold the ball. Was Kerry Terrell a candidate? Yes, but with 3 abilities needing improvement, he's probably too old to be a worthwhile project.
Baton Rouge K Jed Wooden to Discipline 40 Ack! See above.
Duluth S Brad Porter to Agility 40 Szatch stumbles again, raising a player that is too old, and not getting much better performance from him, either. Percy Paze or Tony Saaverda would have benefitted greatly from the Algernon treatment.
Haddonfield HB Kenny Proctor to Strength 30 It's nice to see Kenny hold the ball better, but 30 won't let him break many tackles. If he can get a hit on the List O' Ten, along with a rookie increase, he could compete with the league's elite backs.
Long Beach K Gilbert Ford to Discipline 60 Desperation set in at Long Beach. With Mike Penn needing only two Strength increases to be the Bionic Man, Coach Jon instead tries to save his job with augmentation surgery on Ford. Patience is a virtue, but Mike Penn is running out of time.
New Deal HB Matt Thomas to Agility 60 It's a race between Jamal Smith, Don Jackson, John Calloway and Thomas to be the first player to 475. That race will benefit all the teams who participate. Look for Thomas to make more long runs in the second half of the season.
Owasso HB John Calloway to Strength 30 A great move in Owasso. All John needs is one more good blocker, and he'll be a weapon for years to come. It will be fun to watch Don Jackson and Calloway compete for rushing titles, if the league doesn't become dominated by Speed 100 HBs.
Pullman QB Sam Atkins to Strength 40 He's like Scott Hennig, but he stays with the play longer. That's okay in Pullman, where they understand how to use the QB option command in PMFB 2.3. Look for Pullman to diversify their attack greatly in the second half.
Seoul QB Ricky West to Agility 60 A great move by a great coach. West can be elite before his career is over. Some receiving help might be the next move for the Choson.
Texas HB Don Jackson to Strength 90 Yes, I said 90. The man who was drafted at Strength 50 is now Hercules. He becomes the major steal of the draft, and a frightening headache for those planning against Texas.
Virginia Beach HB James Friedrich to Agility 40 The Mouth roared when FriedRice stayed with 20 Discipline. Hopefully Coach Mike knows what he is doing. FriedRice seems pretty potent at his current stats, this can only make him better. A great trade and a great increase for resurgent Coach Mike.
We're halfway through the season, and it's time to look at each division and see where the power is:
Central Texas is the only team here that will make the playoffs. Owasso is already out of the hunt, and no shame for them as an expansion team, and Duluth has fumbled and bumbled away their opportunities. Texas is only 3-2, this is the weakest division.
Eastern Power power power. All the teams in this division have winning records. Their schedule strength is amazing, too. Hands down, the toughest and best division.
South The APFL's best and worst teams share this division. Long Beach is probably underachieving, for unknown reasons. This division ranks third in strength.
Central
A haven for mediocrity. Because the Bengals appear to be skidding hard, we have to rank this division, with two teams who have losing records, as second best.
Unsung Game Balls to:
Richard Naden, third best passer in a weak passing week,
Nick Gordon, with 344 passing yards in an embarrassing loss,
John Ballard, who finally went downfield and made it work,
James FriedRice, who finally got his Bar Mitzvah,
Phil Underwood, who gained more yards than Chris Barnes (with a 7 yard average)
Jay Shines, who scored again on the ground,
Miguel Evans, with 110 a receiving yards and a win on four catches,
Kwame Cook, who caught 2 touchdowns in his debut as a Cougar,
Levi Chung, who hauled in a 53 yard bomb,
Raymond Hawkins, with 10 tackles and a 2.1 yard average - that's defensive line play,
Bruce Styles, with 3 stuffs as a linebacker,
and
George Mahoney, who defended 4 passes.
Check out Bard Porter. He's roster member number 47 for the ever-expanding Moose.
The Mouth will be silent next week. Cheers!
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